I Married Someone Else’s Husband

Yeah, you read that right. I know, I know..what in the world???? Read it again..I Married Someone Else’s Husband. True story.  Now that I have your attention, let me explain.  Growing up, my idea of marriage was you find a man who can simply do what you say, take care of you and give you beautiful children. Needless to say, I didn’t get much else out of that lesson. My daddy told me that when you meet your person..you would just KNOW. Hmmm..that sounded interesting but hey I couldn’t measure a feeling, right? I got married in 1997, to a wonderful man who loved my son and me dearly.  I sucked at being his wife. Why? Because he wasn’t MY person. Simple as that. We separated and eventually divorced in 2000 and he has since remarried and has beautiful children. I spent several years blaming myself for all of it and then one day it occurred to me “I married someone else’s husband”.  You see a marriage is way more that a legal documents and last name changes (at least it should be).  It’s not the size of the house you buy, the cars you drive or the vacations you can afford to take.  A real marriage connects two spirits in such a way that they are willing to weather even storms together.  You “feel” one another, even when your other is not around. You want to be better than you were yesterday.  You need their presence way more than their financial statement. The love you share (yes share) just IS. I know for a fact my ex didn’t have that in me nor I in him. In essence he wasn’t MY husband. He was hers. I just married him first.  As the evolution of me continues, I find myself amazed at the woman I have become and even sometimes feeling sorry for the woman I used to be because I know she still exists in so many women all around the world.  We think that in order for something to be right and good it has to be tangible but it doesn’t. Perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Happily ever after is exactly what you make it.  PERIOD.  Fear will make you second guess every good thing that already exists in you. Fear will rob you blind and even make you think someone else did that TO YOU. Truth is our misery, our losses, are often self-induced because we ignore what our spirit is trying to tell us.  As I write this I wonder why it took me so long to just GET this…hmmmm..still growing up I guess. It is easy to believe that people are malicious and they only want to destroy us…more often than not this isn’t the case. Most of us are just wandering through life bumping into one another trying to find something that fits (for now).  If you find yourself in that place..stop, step back and breathe slowly. Let it all just come into focus, let your heart’s desire be free to find its way to your happily ever after. Don’t try to control that which wasn’t designed for you to navigate. Trust and believe that your Husband, your Wife, your Person is out there waiting for you to find them too.  And as my daddy said…The rest is JUST details.  ~Be Blessed, K

 

PEOPLE

Confessions of an Interracial Dater: Part One

 

Hello, my name is Fitzcarmel LaMarre and I’m in an interracial relationship. My belief is we choose who we love, but the reasons why may vary. It all is simply part of an irrational cognitive reasoning, involving deep affections, admiration, adoration and willing to sacrifice ones own comfort in order to please a person place or thing; which ever is easier. Have you ever tried to define love outside of what you’ve memorized from bible quotes or Hallmark cards? I highly recommend it! In my definition of love I deliberately leave out major distinctions to specify what I love…because I genuinely do love people. I’m not one of those “I hate everybody” types and proud of it. I have a type I prefer, but that “type” works across all races, but fair skin got my attention quick. Red bones, Quadroons Octaroons, High-Yellow and the like is where I began my walk on the lighter side of things..the “gateway complexions.” GOD BLESS DIVERSITY!!! I acknowledge every individual I meet with equal respect. The “distinction” and hierarchy of love is where people get caught up. I LOVE striking up conversations with strangers and leaving with a new perspective. I was lucky to have an environment where I was able to make my own spiritual decisions early. I guess my mother figured she baptized me as a baby, so a few more “dunkins'” wouldn’t hurt if it’s in the name of spiritual growth and soul searching. This thinking carried over to many other facets of my life with my decisions and choices. I know MANY folks who would never date outside of their race due to family pressure or religious bullshit. It’s all a matter of tolerance. The world is shrinking, changing and evolving at a rate we can feel all around us, especially if we compare today to ten or twenty years ago…

 

There really shouldn’t be ANY external issues with interracial dating, like there should be no issue with homosexuals getting married…but there is. The search for love knows no bounds. I’d go as far to say it’s why we are all here on this planet, to give love and to find love, the Universe was slick and made love involve procreation so we’d perpetuate. It knew mere curiosity would not promote procreation. Love is not limited to humans, it’s everywhere in nature’s perfect balance. To think otherwise is a limit to the possible amount of love you “feel” you can receive. If you’ve suffered with depression or just a case of the “the blues,” the feeling of being a solitary unit, alone and possibly misunderstood, your ability to give and receive love is paramount. We get love from our family, friends and pets as we grow up in our household.  There is SO MUCH MORE of it bombarding us that most are not aware of, don’t consider or can’t fathom. As we mature in our search for love, and the needs that come with it, extend beyond our immediate family…hopefully. In a mate we learn a great deal about ourselves, the world we live in and how we were brought up, it’s a journey. Unfortunately, some see it as a mission and there passionate efforts wane into mediocrity over time, sometimes not that much time. These days homosexuals are having a time of it, trying to get the human rights they deserve. Not long ago minorities were denied many human rights in this same country and we prevailed…somewhat. Tolerance and understanding are needed if we are to move into a more enlightened people in tune with nature to reach a peaceful age. It’s the most efficient way to globally resolve issues of poverty, homelessness, famine, hate crimes, human slave trade, and educational equality to name a few.

 

I think, like with homosexuals, you know at an early age if you’re attracted to those outside your race. I was colorblind to ethnicity and was AMAZED at the different ethnicities of my peers in all my school years. I felt traumatized when my third grade class watched Little Boy King and the white, racist father wouldn’t let “hard head” Martin Luther King Jr. play with his son. I couldn’t imagine living in a world like that (little did I know). The story of why I choose to date outside my race is not the standard reason. Hold on! IS THERE A STANDARD REASON? As early as I can remember I was attracted to ALL females at an early age, and I mean ALL OF THEM!!! I didn’t distinguish color as a method or sorting out my interests. Even with my friends, I sought out everyone who was different from me because I was drawn to them. From this I found our common similarities. Similar to my heterosexuality, I have no interest in someone with the same equipment. I’ve played with mine enough, I’m drawn to see how I come together with the opposite sex (that was like a triple entendre, folks, with some pun skeeted on the side)! Dating outside your race is not for everyone. Especially, if your level of tolerance is not equipped to handle another’s cultural differences. Cultural relativity is understanding people’s differences without getting offended. You need to know yourself & what could trigger your inner nonsense to shine over someone who just doesn’t know any better. One must be prepared for the MANY social and personal issues that come with an interracial relationship or having friends of other races. A “normal” relationship (whatever that is) has it’s own inherent issues, but interracial couples have compounded issues. Pssst, like homosexuals or any other unique group, faction or nation in this country. It comes with the American Brand with schoolyard bullies and all. This reason alone deters folks from even bothering because “standard” relationships are difficult as is. The divorce rate displays MOST people are still not happy in those “standard relationships” and reality TV shows the loss of sacred integrity in the institution of marriage. Everyone should have a go at it as long as there is not any harm, lack of consent or abuse going on (but I feel that about ANY king of relationship). For the record, I’ve dated within my race too, but I have been drawn outside of it  far more by whatever force of attraction guides me.

 

Many races have different forms of racism within its ethnic groups. It’s these distinctions that stop us from really functioning as a “racial unit” like we see in other ethnic communities within other races. I began to realizing, in a tangible way, the inner racism and mental complexes black people carry in our expectations of ourselves and others. I will ALWAYS maintain my cultural connection but I knew what I needed and kept an open mind while searching. I fell in love with people who made me feel normal and accepted me as I was. I can understand how the first person Frank Ocean fell for happened to be a man. He was open to receiving love where it was offered. Same rules different game. Straight up, I’ll be honest, Black women scare me and I KNOW most of you like it! You think it means you’re too strong or you can’t be handled or tamed. You are probably also thinking that other women are weak and that we (Black men) can run over them unlike Black women. I disagree with every bit of that steamy, hot pile nonsense. Black women have had to be strong for many years due to the destabilization of the Black family by racism, a lack of resources and drugs to name a few. The fathers of this era were deprived of empowerment by those circumstances, so women had to pick up the slack, step it up & raise families as the head of it or alone. I’m not excusing these men, but they were oppressed beyond our understanding. Fast-forward to contemporary times & Black women are damn near keeping men out of the family unit. Most likely, these women are scared & would rather face the world alone with their family and not take a chance on a failing father figure (like their absentee father). I was raised by a strong Black woman who raised 3 kids (and other families) all by herself. She did an EXCELLENT job with us and I wouldn’t change one letter of history. My fear of women, (Black in particular) comes from that relationship, but was perpetuated by my schooling as well. Being spanked and yelled at didn’t go well with my emotional sensitivity, and that was a threat from home AND school in those times. Being a bit chubby and not having any fashion sense made me an easy target too. Up until High School I was taunted and teased about it till I became quiet and somewhat withdrawn. If you don’t know Carol City High School, it’s been predominantly a “black” school since the late 70s, so I’m well versed in “black attitudes” from those stomping grounds. Then, I was spit out into the real world wondering why so many of my “Sistas” were so confrontational (not all but some and FAR from none). I was STILL attracted to all types of women so I satisfied my curiosity and was pleasantly surprised.

 

Getting back to the fear I have, I fear you emotionally. There was a common brash nature among MANY of the Black girls I went to school with. There is a pain that all of us have that is hard to pin point the origin. I believe it’s residual after effects of slavery and how history was taught to us as being victims. In a nutshell, it seemed harder to get my emotional needs met from my ethnic community without going through a gauntlet of emotion obstacles to get somewhere spiritually and emotionally enriching. It seemed being myself was never enough, a free ride or monetary donation of sorts was expected as things got more serious with the Black women I’ve dated. Other cultures pitched in or at least offered to share courtship planning and expenses. They were as interested in me as I them, and not just what I could do for them. I’m not saying ALL black women are this way, just many of the ones I encountered and enough for me to notice I was not comfortable with it. I felt with all the equality going around, bringing something to the table instead of expecting to hit a small lottery pay out sounded fair. I feel Black women would gain more out of picking their battles rather than fighting them all…with me. But I’m not supposed to say that, so I keep my mouth shut, my eyes, heart & mind open. There is no need to prove your strength when it’s not necessary, I always took it as an attempt at intimidation and control, which is not attractive or welcome (for me). All that added to the feeling of incompatibility.

 

I’ve been pleasantly surprised from what I learned about myself, other cultures, and the power of tolerance, in my time. In the beginning, I was baffled at the negative social response from folks. My first taste of vocal racism was out on a date in High School. I was protected from such experiences because I wasn’t exposed to overt racism of the “good ole boys,” from Little Boy King till my late teens. We were a group of blacks & Hispanics out bowling, but the white racists didn’t care to notice the difference between anything but light and dark, as they screamed out from the entrance of the bowling alley as we were leaving. “What the HELL are you bitches doing with those niggers! Leave them niggers alone.” It’s hard to forget your first time! These days, I barely notice the looks from Black women, not so much at me, but my fair colored date. I always wondered why that guy yelled and women cared so much, enough to turn their faces to distaste. Either way, one is just a watered down, passive aggressive version of the other. The off color comments (no pun intended, but it works!), the dirty looks and judgement being passed are all symptoms of insecurity, regardless of race. Trying to figure out irrational behavior is pointless so I stopped bothering. I can’t change anything but my response. I’ve been watching this subtle form of hate fade a bit, but not enough. Checking your moral compass for accuracy should be a regular thing for us all. Don’t believe in something because “that’s the way it is,” have it proven, and challenge authority figures to explain their perspectives. Believe in something through feeling it, testing it and experiencing it. People miss out on too many opportunities taking someone’s word for it. As memorable as those negative instances were they never deterred me from following my heart. We’re all from the same DNA make up with minor differences here and there. When it comes down to it, if you view external appearances as the sole basis for love you’re fucked. The priority is in love not complexion. It’s okay to have a preference, but if that’s the priority you may miss out on a blessing that you didn’t plan on or saw as an option till one day…

 

I have a black female friend who prefers dating white men. She’s not opposed to Black men, she just has opened her preferences and knows what she likes through her dating experiences. We are kindred spirits and have compared notes on how we’ve been treated by other races. We’ve encountered those not exposed enough to diversity, those who try too hard and those willing to compromise in the name of reaching a loving balance. I’m going to interview her for part two of the article.

Written and Submitted by Fitz LaMarre

The “Independent” Woman — We Have Been Misled!

I was born in the 70s. A time of discovery for women. They discovered wearing pants, became more involved in political processes, and taking on positions that were previously held by men. Being African-American or Afro-American women the time included dashikis, wearing our natural hair and speaking up and out…the louder, the prouder. Being a child in that timeline meant I watched my mother and her friends trade in their aprons and go full-time into the workforce. I was surrounded by single moms who were making their own money, taking care of their families and didn’t NEED a man at all. My favorite commercial back then was one were the women were singing “I can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan”. Being a woman was GREAT but being an INDEPENDENT woman was greater!

The one thing wasn’t included for me was much discussion about productive relationships or the role of wife and mother in the home. It also didn’t include celebrating your significant other or how to navigate matters of the heart. You see a self-sufficient woman learns how to do all those things. She stands up and steps up for her family in a time of need without making her partner feel less than because of it.  She knows that there is a power in a gentle word, compassion and partnership.

The idea of being an INDEPENDENT woman came to me with all the attitude of “I don’t need nobody”.  But from where I was standing it worked. Right? The women around me who had a husband/boyfriend kept him “in line”. They monitored his every move, set up and conducted successful STING operations, knew what his pay check looked like and were quick to the draw when he didn’t comply with the rules. Sounds like some Charlie’s Angels stuff right there!! I watched these women and I admired them and so many of us desired to become just like them. You see the quality of life we were in pursuit of had to have all the drama and delightful defeat in order to claim the title “Baddest B**ch”.

What do I know now? I know that independence is beautiful, when properly executed. Knowing how to wash my own clothes and cook a meal is independence.  Being able to balance a check book (still not too good at that one) is independence. Taking my car in to be serviced, attending my son’s track meet even if his dad doesn’t..is indepence. Stepping out into this big world and trying something, learning something, doing something new..THAT is independence. However,  the emotional and spiritual beating down of another is not.  Moving through life thinking you have all the answers and everyone better listen is NOT. Controlling someone else, at all cost, is not.  Belittling someone because they didn’t do it your way is not. Oh and no matter what you are wearing or how fine you may be..that still isn’t attractive.

In many of our lives there has or will come a time when a medical professional will use the phrase “quality of life” when discussing the care of ourselves or a loved one.  I have learned that usually has little to nothing to do with the car we drive or the clothes we wear. Nor will it have anything to do with the fear we ignite in others by the meer mention of our name.  Quality speaks to peace, emotional and physical comfort. These things cannot exist in a spirit filled with malice and strife.

Being self-sufficient allows us to see value in others. It breeds compassion and appreciation. Great partnerships are born and amazing love stories take shape.  A self-sufficient woman chooses quality of life over quantity in life. She invests in herself, she motivates others. She has no problem sharing the spotlight. She isn’t the latest trend..she’s legendary.

A Few Pointers To Help Keep Your Man Faithful: Beating the Clean Up Woman

“ No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. ”
— Abraham Lincoln

 

My perspective comes from a place understanding that women know how to get a man, fewer know how to keep one. It’s not all on you, Ladies. Men have to do their part, but some of “our part” needs your help.  Different methods and tactics can be implemented on different men to help keep them on the straight and narrow path of fidelity. Women incessantly wonder why men cheat and those reasons can be as numerous as the stars, but they all come down to basic fundamentals of male needs. Men cheat through the awareness of opportunity, we are opportunity cheaters. Women are emotional cheaters, but with both there’s an exception to every rule. Being an “OC” is why so many men often “slum it” with seemingly less attractive, classy or stable women. When it comes down to it “pussy ain’t got no face,” to many men…MOST men (If I candy coat it I wouldn’t be able to get to all the points).  There are three types of men: men who cheat, men who don’t cheat and men who don’t want to cheat. Not even looking closely at this equation we can see most men will either cheat or will entertain cheating. The breakdown is like this: fidelity is an afterthought to the hardcore cheater, a cornerstone to the faithful, and difficult as dodging bullets from machine gun, for those who don’t want to cheat. Men move thought all three of these paradigms depending on experience and maturity, back and forth sometimes. Age doesn’t have much to do with it, moral conviction and maturity do. I know some immature grown-ass men. For each type of man there are methods to help keeping him a “good man” and off the “strange” (a white, Italian male’s, colloquialism for another woman’s vagina). You must identify your guy before you can come up with your “treatment.” I have friends in each category and I can relate to each of them. Not because I’m a man, but because they are my friends and I don’t judge their circumstances according to my limited knowledge of what they’ve experienced…positive or negative. You need to do some soul searching when it comes to identifying the type of man you are in a relationship with. The key is not to judge them for who they are, and work to identify the ways you can keep him a “good man”. The longer you’ve been together the closer you are to the true person. NO ONE can hold a mask forever. It’s like trying to maintain one emotion for an entire day (try it). I’d go as far to say the majority of women know thier partner VERY well in the realm of fidelity.

 

ONE WORD, THREE SYLLABLES, COUN-SEL-ING. If your man is a hardcore cheater, I’m sure there were signs going into the deal. Maybe some signs in the first six months that he still had attachments or a “complicated” situation. The key to being with a hardcore cheater is to accept him for who he is and focus on the good in him. As long as you’re not trying to change him, and you can accept who he is, you can still be happy in the relationship, it may be challenged often, but joy can be found anywhere. Without professional counseling or a life altering event, a hardcore cheater isn’t going to change his mindset, mainly because it’s a lifestyle. It is what he knows to be normal, in some cases. Professional opinions and guidance may help you determine if sexual addiction could be at the root of his habitual infidelity. Also, I NEED to mention, counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It may mean you want to see how crazy you were or maybe currently are. If there are serious issues, like addiction, counseling may offer you answers and options you didn’t know were available. Make your life decisions with a church counselor or mental health professional (not just my ramblings). Minorities seem adverse to seeing counselors or mental health care professionals for some ignorant-ass reason. As though it’s an admission of insanity, no control and/or weakness. On the contrary, counseling helps you take control with a deeper knowledge of how you work. Together you have to find what’s at the heart of him seeking sex from others and that’s where objective professionals come in. Often, cheaters don’t see a real depth of the issue in what they do. There is a degree of sociopathic behavior involved in serious cases. They know it’s a betrayal but they’ve learned how to live with it OR they’re desensitized. They are not clueless in the least, that’s why they hide it. For some that’s part of the excitement of the whole thing…besides the actual sex of course. In these cases you are not responsible for his actions. It’s a maturity thing when it comes to the hardcore cheater (who is not a sex addict). You could be Martha Stewart with cooking and Pinky the Porn Star in the sack, working a full-time job, taking care of the kids AND cleaning…he’s STILL gonna cheat, Girl. It takes a SPECIAL woman to love a cheater. These women are constantly challenged by this kind of relationship on MANY levels and my heart goes out to them. As for advice, I can’t stress counseling enough, mainly for yourself, Ladies. I’ve noticed women in this situation have abuse (physical & verbal), low self esteem and/or feel trapped either by “saving the family” (you can’t save anybody while you’re drowning, by the way) or he provides a great living which the woman is accustomed.  Integrity is priceless, and suffering emotionally in the name of something corroding your soul IS NOT WORTH IT!!! I dedicate this paragraph to ALL the women I could never tell that their man was cheating. My empathy only extends as far as the solution. When you step in shit, you don’t stand in it, unless you don’t know or don’t care. As I have told my daughter, there is no good time to break up but the sooner the better, so the healing can begin.

 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT GOES FAR. Women who have a faithful man OFTEN take it for granted like that shit can’t ever change. Let’s face it, the ONLY constant in the Universe IS change. Embrace it, get use to it, or life is not going to be so kind as the world changes around you..as it always has. These dudes are of noble character and quite mature OR too ugly and anti social to create the opportunity to cheat. Either way, their dipstick only goes under your hood. PRAISE THE FUCK OUTTA THEM!!! A MORE amazing story (to me) is the stories of my friends who DON’T have sex when the opportunity presents itself. That’s saint-like behavior that deserves an award, folks! Unfortunately, women tend to think “that’s what he should to do” and his efforts on the front line are overlooked. I feel like women think it’s so easy to be faithful for men. Ladies, you don’t hear these stories from your men, because they know you won’t believe him, or not completely. So, we talk about it amongst ourselves either laughing or back patting in approval. It’s easy to have sex with a woman who wants it and WAAAAAAY harder (haha) not to do so. These men deserve peace of mind. Acknowledging his efforts with praise can solidify his resolve to maintaining fidelity and add in some spontaneous sex too! Nothing goes better with the morning than some “Sunshine.” If he’s good with the amount of loving you’re giving out then give him some of his own “Me Time.” This will most likely be spent with friends, on video games, but whatever it is he’ll appreciate the space ESPECIALLY if their are kids in the mix. Don’t be so hard on him either, let him stay out a bit late with the fellas (without an earful), let him puff on a cigar in the house (or at least at the house), stop deleting his porn collection or tossing the stash out. It’s hard to recognize how good you have it when you have it good. A side note, DO NOT brag to your friends all the time about how faithful he is.

 

WHOOP THAT TRICK!!! Staying on track, as a man, isn’t like it is for women. For men who don’t want to cheat it is IMPERATIVE that you help. These are the men that are on the fence morally. First, understand that you’ve had practice saying no to sex. Not many men have that problem. Sex doesn’t come easy for men. We have to hunt down ANY quality piece of ass like the Cheetah in those PBS National Geographic shows. Being faithful is something that you’ll need to help your man with, like keeping house. We are not all taught to be faithful or a cheater, we learn it…OK OK OK, some are taught to cheat. Many learn it through older male, authority figures, but overall we all suck at it and will continue to blunder! Why? Because the skills being taught are not skills about teaching and learning a skill set to efficiently cheat. We learn to not be emotionally affected or connected to the consequences. Why? Because we learn it’s acceptable behavior and in our “Boys Club” it is OK, expected and encouraged, in some instances. On top of that, we have a sack of seed (with hormones) between our legs we want to sow…generously. If you are our partner, life is a 12 Step Program and you are our sponsors with the cards stacked against you. Why you ask again? Basic male instinct works against fidelity and works for the relationship’s number one physical enemy, the Clean Up Woman. She is the physical arch nemesis of ALL MEN in relationships but ESPECIALLY to men who don’t want to cheat (resentment is the nonphysical arch nemesis of ANY relationship). She preys on a man’s emotional needs not being met. She knows what a broken man needs to feel like a man. Woman of the faithful man, you MUST understand how much he loves you to resist the Clean Up Woman. The more prestige, power and influence the greater the degree of difficulty.  Men who don’t want to cheat end up cheating when they “feel” their needs are not being met and that their woman does not care. Sex is the external cure for an internal problem. Make him “feel” intimacy, NOT SEX (well, not JUST sex)…INTIMACY. What’s gonna keep him out of those guts is how strong your intimate relationship is with him. In these cases men want the thrill back, some are sabotaging their way out of a troubled relationship. Either way it’s a cry for help from these men. It’s a race, really. If the Clean Up Woman is allowed to establish a connection you’ll lose him to her influence…more and more as their relationship grows.

 

Even the MOST faithful can easily stumble and fall prey to The Clean Up Woman. Clean Up bitches are not born, they’re created. Don’t help bring one out of retirement. You may be good friends or related to one, so be mindful because testing a faithful man and proving you wrong is her thrill. These women believe there are no good men & they’re gonna prove it. Keep your man out of harm’s way (AKA her coochie). To “Whoop That Trick” have conversation about your fidelity expectations letting him know how much you appreciate him as your partner and lover. After a session of lovemaking in a GREAT time to let him know during pillow talk. We are SUPER receptive at that time too. Sexual spontaneity works here too…Hell, for ALL men I’d comfortably say. Just like when you Ladies get flowers or a gift for no reason, there’s NOTHING that says, “I was thinking about you & your magic stick,” like some LOVE JONES kitchen sex.

 

UNDERSTAND WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST. I’m sure some of you were the other woman at one point, so this part is for those not as “seasoned” in dealings with men and our behavior. If a woman shows a man she is interested in sex, you’ve all be conquered the situation, we’re like putty. If you appear to be GENUINELY interested, a man is helpless to feminine wiles. The Clean Up Woman (AKA Ms. Wrong) knows your man likes to be touched. It’s on of the FIRST things “Women of Prey” do to establish interest and develop a connection. Don’t get it twisted, remember, men mainly cheat via opportunity they are given. Cut off those options unless you are BOTH considering an alternative lifestyle. The best advice I’ve heard a mother give her daughter is to be your man’s whore, lover, friend and mother. Because when you are not another woman will…gladly. I’m not trying to scare you into being more into your relationship, I’d rather you work on being prepared. With relationships its a matter of “when” there will be an issue, not “if” there will be one. Have the tools set up so when emotions run high there is a protocol to follow that will lead back to a loving flash point. Without such a plan relationships tumble and falter…I’ve been in enough to know. If my lady “wears me out” on the regular, other women are invisible on my “horniness radar”. I’m not sure what’s going on with the chemicals up there but that kind of regular good luvin’ keeps me SASSIFIED!!! Now, when things aren’t so hot, Eartha Kitt starts looking like Rihanna and I realize the world is FULL of hot, sexy-ass women (I’m an ass man) who MUST be looking at me. To sum it up, having a mature understanding of how your partner ticks and using that in a positive manner is key. Controlling someone isn’t a great long-term plan for happiness. Setting boundaries by discussing them leaves nothing up to interpretation. He can’t read you mind and “he should know” are not acceptable in discussions. Assume he has no clue (he most likely does not) and LOVINGLY get him up to speed on those expectations. Keep in mind that if you ask a question you MUST be prepared for ANY answer. I’ve seen major indiscretions forgiven and small ones ruin relationships. If you’re in it for the long haul, being prepared, communicating with the goal of resolution (and not proving yourself right) and forgiveness are key to getting through the rough patches and healing. Peace.

 

P.S. If there’s anything you take from this let this be the immortal words of Ms. Betty Wright:

 

Betty Wright Clean up Woman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0ssMVL9I1Q&feature=related

A clean up woman
Is a woman who
Gets all the love we girls leave behind
The reason I know
So much about her
Is because she picked up a man of mine

Chumpin’ Slick
Was my ruin
‘Cause I found out all I was doin’
Was makin’ it easy
For the clean up woman
To get my man’s love, oh, yeah

Just makin’ it easy
For the clean up woman
To get my baby’s love, uh-huh

Mmm-hmm

I took this man’s love and put it on a shelf
And like a fool, I thought I had him all to myself
When he needed love, I was out havin’ fun
But I found out all I had done
Was made it easy
For the clean up woman
To get my man’s love, uh-huh
Yeah, that’s what I did
I made it easy
For the clean up woman
To steal my baby’s love, oh, yeah

The clean up woman
Will wipe his blues away
She’ll give him penny lovin’
24 hours a day
The clean up woman
She’ll sweep him off his feet
She’s the one to take him in
When you dump him in the street
So take a tip
You better get hip
To the clean up woman
‘Cause she’s tough
I mean she really cleans up

 

Three Tips to Start Getting What You Want…From Your Man

 

 

 

This is going to be a somewhat one-sided discussion because I figure not many guys are going to be reading this, NOT because I’m singling women out…not this time anyway. I LOVE women, I love women MORE than the average guy. I’m just throwing out tools to broaden the feminine perspective a bit to accommodate an understanding of men. There is no quick and easy fix for relationship issues. You’re ALWAYS going to get your hands dirty trying to keep the engine running. Most make a few attempts and then, “that shit don’t work” attitude pops up, and then back to the routine of mediocrity. Being in it for the long haul has got to be at the root of your journey together. I’ll have to assume that’s the case for both parties working to reignite their stagnant passion. These are a few pointers I’d like to put out there for the ladies who wish to communicate sexual needs OR anything else you want him to register. These also work if you’re having problems understanding what you man’s needs are and you want him to open up. It could be that you’ve tried and tried without getting your needs met or anywhere near what you wanted. Maybe it’s just that someone between the two of you just wants more “luvin'” than the weekends when the kids go to sleep. Maybe some help with household duties. Making such requests can challenge your partner’s manhood, security and/or ego. From experience ladies, when it comes down to it, it’s all in how you ask.

 

You can get ANYTHING you want from the man you love. We’re rather simple. Hands down a woman can outtalk a man in her sleep, but most struggle with communicating. Women develop earlier than men in this department, so by nature you are more savvy linguists (Not to say we don’t catch up). We are definitely easier to frustrate with just the sheer volume of words in a short span of time, not coming from an speaker or electronic device. So, first off, KEEP IT SHORT. I have GOT to say it, sometimes women don’t know when to shut up. So, I MUST ADD: Let him talk. Don’t cut him off. Don’t give (feed) him answers. Don’t finish his sentences. Instead, Empathize with the difficulty of expressing himself emotionally. You’ll be doing yourself a favor. The goal is in communication not being right. Rants accompanied with too much volume hypnotize men, and you begin to sounds like Charlie Brown’s school teacher…upset. So, if you’d like to keep his attention long enough for him to receive your point, get to the point FAST. Your man will not be upset over a short lived conversation about him doing laundry or the tub…trust me.

 

The second thing I can say is to USE PHYSICAL TOUCH IN A POSITIVE WAY. No hitting of any kind. We don’t say it but it’s SO damn annoying. Like a mosquito in a tent at bedtime. Men react better to body language over straight conversation. I’ve bought drinks all night for two perfect (female) strangers because one played with my hair (ahhh… to be young and single). I mention that to illustrate to power of physical contact. Let’s be as real as the decline of the dolla’ dolla’ bill y’all. I’d rather be told I need to do something with some sugar on it, well over being barked at. Remember, when you asked him for a favor within the first six months of having sex? I’ll bet your voice was four octaves higher, slathered with honey and powdered like a donut, huh? Now, that you’re nice and comfy, there’s vinegar, with salt, sprinkled on shards of glass and mirror glitter spitting towards him. Butter him up…WE LOVE IT!!! But the from the heart shit. That, “he ONLY wants sex” attitude will ALWAYS mess up the flow of good Juju. OK, he DOES want that, BUT there’s a difference between sex (maintenance of the body and procreation) and lovemaking (maintenance of the soul and connection), relationships need both. What’s REALLY wrong with more luvin’? If you can handle it, of course. If you can only physically do so much there are options, as everything moves back into place. Men enjoy feeling you feeling them…DO IT!!!

 

DO NOT OVERREACT…Why so serious? This is not a business meeting, so be easy, Baby. Have a glass of wine with the conversation after dinner, SOMETHING. Some of you REALLY need to loosen and lighten up. Whatever force of nature you believe in, it has a sense of humor. You can laugh with it or get laughed at. The more animated you become, the more we have no interest in what you have to say. What you learn from “slugs and snails” are they will go through all kinds dirt & rot to feed and survive. They recede once prodded and too much salt kills them. You have to know how to keep cool even when you’re not getting your way…Princess. Most of you are not as savvy with rejection as men have become since we learned we had to ask you out on dates. So having your head in the game is critical, as well is timing. After a meal, on a walk is a GREAT way to create a space for you to open up and the message reach him. After sex, not so much. Neither is at any time where he can compare the conversation to what he would rather be doing.

 

Lastly, picture it going your way! If visualization works for professional athletes, scholars and therapists what better place to put such a powerful tool but in your relationship. I want you to put yourself in a positive place before hand. If you picture losing you’ve beat yourself. You’ve gotta wrap all these little pointers up in a nice little bundle of love…you. Remember you are his gift and he is yours, Resolve and satisfaction are not easily attained all the time but it’s worth the work.

Written and Submitted by: Fitzcarmel LaMarre 

 

Image

Same Ole Love – Really?

“Sometimes I wonder do I really want that dream love I always speak of when I seem to fall for the same ole kind of lover time after time.” Do you ever have that conversation with yourself? I mean hey we read all the books, watch the movies, share our stories and see the patterns in our sister-friends and their relationships and still we do it again. We date the person who doesn’t know how to give of themselves, but wants our all. We imagine ourselves in this happily ever after even though that frog we been kissing really never becomes our prince. So now the question becomes do you truly believe that you ARE the princess in your story? I dream myself standing on a beach, holding hands with the love of my life, pregnant with our child. I feel the love all around us then I wake up to an opposite reality. Where do you see yourself in your world? Are you walking the path to your happiness or are you stuck on the treadmill of destruction? Is the person you’re loving even able to love you back? When you mention marriage, kids, career or moving does he/she share your passion? Do you find yourself dreaming out loud for both of you? Love is a blessing..rather giving or receiving. There is nothing wrong with loving someone who is still finding themselves in love. However, as the seasons of your needs change you must be brave enough to move with your season! I try to imagine that my love is like a great oak….strong, resilient, everlasting. One bad season in love can’t destroy me. “Same ole love” just isn’t for me.

Rings, Flings and Emotional Dings

There has been a whole lot of talk about Kim Kardashian and the 2 million dollar engagement ring, mostly asking should she give it back or is this a case of finders keepers..losers weepers. “Commitment” and ’til death do us part” are terms that seem to get lost in translation these days and makes me worry about the fate of our children as they grow and try to mesh in with all this madness.  My grandparents have been married for over 60 years and I am sure every single day of their marriage was not all sun shiny and bubbly.  Keep the ring or not really doesn’t matter to me but the blatant disregard for what marriage should represent truly disgusts me.  In this country we deny couples the right to marry because their relationships do not “qualify”. We have groups that are designed to protect the “traditional” family value system and yet these numbskulls can jump in and out of marriage like their changing outfits. I fail to see the “value” in that. Oh no this is not a gay marriage debate..seeing as that I don’t think any of us are qualified to validate someone else’s relationship, but I do believe that it is pretty clear when a marriage only lasts 72 days..something in the calculations just isn’t right! Did he cheat? Beat her up? Steal money? Or in all things Kardashian did he make the mistake of expecting to have a wife while she was looking for another photo op? When they say you can’t buy love…this MUST be what “they” were speaking of. Which brings me to comedian and actor George Lopez (sorry don’t know his marital stats) but here’s a guy who needed a kidney transplant and his then-wife gave him one of hers…to save his life….so how does he thank her??? He cheats…divorces her and yeah HE KEEPS THE KIDNEY!!! Now I know what u thinking….could she really expect the kidney back? I don’t see why not! So you gonna leave me for someone else AND consummate while rocking MY kidney?? I think not! Come on guys am I wrong here? Maybe she is somewhere perfectly ok with this but I am NOT! I can only imagine that at some point she felt like she wanted her darn kidney back…if only she would have known….ring-a-ding-ding….

Gossip Girls, Backstabbers, Haters, She Said….They Said

I would love to say that this is truly a NON ISSUE but truth is ladies…IT ISN’T! In my lifetime I have witnessed so many friendships, relationships and even whole families torn apart behind malicious gossiping and “half truths”. The question I pose to you today is why? Why is it that when someone comes to us with “oh girl you won’t believe what I heard” or “girl, I got to tell you what they said about you” we never find the strength to calmly go talk to the person being sited as the “she” with the problem? How many times have you been minding your own busy just to be ambushed by someone with a story to tell?  And how many times has the news totally disrupted that good feeling you were having? I am raising my hand because I have always thought of myself as a pretty easy person to get along with. You know funny, friendly and glad to help. I am not a the type of woman who gets all heartfelt when perfect strangers take issue with me but when someone I care about does…that’s another story. Question is: should it be?  What if I found my way to the person..my sister, my friend, cousin, co worker and simply asked “hey, what’s going on? Did I do something to offend you? Is it true you are feeling some kinda way about me?” I would like to believe that we are adult enough to at least have a conversation with someone we once shared our secrets with. I know we have all heard the term “Hater” and we have pretty much bought right into the idea that there are spies all around each and every one of us hating on everything we do. Some people in our lives have proven that concept to be true. But let me ask you…have you ever been the person being accused of HATERISM? Has something you said been repeated and twisted into something ugly? Would it had made any difference if your friend had come to you and asked instead believing what someone else told her instead? I know it would have made a world of difference to me. So I ask you…who’s really the hater? From where I am standing, when we give the messenger all the credit for being the honest, upstanding citizen and never offer the same courtesy to the other party we are, in fact, HATING ON OURSELVES! Popular belief isn’t always equivalent to truth and as we take steps to change the idea that women can’t get along, don’t care about one another and are in a never ending competition…we must first change how we see ourselves in the grand scope of things. ~Your Sista, My Sista, iSista!

Surviving An Unhealthy Relationship

From a member:

You know I’ve been through a great deal in my life but, in the last 2 years I fell in love with someone that I thought was just great. I thought he was my friend and he betrayed me and I thought he was all about me and he betrayed that. Everything that he said he wasn’t he showed me he was. I saw the signs but for some reason I didn’t want to pay attention or even listen. My heart was hurting really bad, but now I’m doing a lot better because I’m glad I missed that bullet. I see now that he NEVER meant me any good and that he never really cared about me at all. I’ve learned a valuable lesson in this one. It will be a long time before I step out there again. I’m afraid of being hurt but I don’t want to miss what God has for me. That blessing I don’t want to miss. I will say this to all my sisters that have been in any kind of bad relationship. Love you a little more. I didn’t and that is where I messed up. I’ve never been so consumed with someone to where I left ME out. I’m a very confident, sure, secure person but when he started switchin up on me and being mean and acting crazy I got lost because i still had a little hope, but what God has shown me now….I’m so glad that listened in the end. Honestly, ladies I felt that God had given up on me and didn’t like me anymore. I know, I know his love never fades but the pain i felt in my heart was unbearable. That is because i was trying to do it all on my own and didn’t have him in the mix of it all. From this I can honestly say that, it was a very very good lesson. I would say before that if the right man came to me now, I wouldn’t know it because I’ve had so much crap and let downs to where that is all I know. After what I’ve been through, I would definately know Mr. Right. Why……because I know what to look for and what not too tolerate anymore. Ladies, we have to take care of us and love us more. Yeah, it’s okay to love them and take care of them the way a woman is supposed to but how much is he going to do for you and how will he go. Love you a little more cause he damn sure is going to love him alot more than you. Take care of you, your heart, your soul, your inne most being at all times. Love you more. I did once before and got lost but no more. It’s all about me now.

Settling: Do We Lose Ourselves When We Find Another?

Some women say “having a piece of a man is better than having no man at all” while others say “you have to make the cut, no romance without finance, I need a Baller!” but is that all that’s required to be in a long term, “meaningful” relationship? So many of us have our independent woman thing going on and when asked why don’t we have a mate the answer is “I refuse to settle”. What exactly does that mean?? In my book there is a great deal of difference between settling and compromise. Settling depletes us…wears down our self esteem. Causes us to diminsh our self worth and personal value. Compromise allows our self image and value to stay intact while still meeting another on a common ground for the greater good. This, my friends, is priceless. No amount of money or status can or should be able to buy your happiness. Truth is, as I have learned, real happiness born deep inside us. So I ask you….What’s the difference? Have you settled?