“ No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. ”
— Abraham Lincoln
My perspective comes from a place understanding that women know how to get a man, fewer know how to keep one. It’s not all on you, Ladies. Men have to do their part, but some of “our part” needs your help. Different methods and tactics can be implemented on different men to help keep them on the straight and narrow path of fidelity. Women incessantly wonder why men cheat and those reasons can be as numerous as the stars, but they all come down to basic fundamentals of male needs. Men cheat through the awareness of opportunity, we are opportunity cheaters. Women are emotional cheaters, but with both there’s an exception to every rule. Being an “OC” is why so many men often “slum it” with seemingly less attractive, classy or stable women. When it comes down to it “pussy ain’t got no face,” to many men…MOST men (If I candy coat it I wouldn’t be able to get to all the points). There are three types of men: men who cheat, men who don’t cheat and men who don’t want to cheat. Not even looking closely at this equation we can see most men will either cheat or will entertain cheating. The breakdown is like this: fidelity is an afterthought to the hardcore cheater, a cornerstone to the faithful, and difficult as dodging bullets from machine gun, for those who don’t want to cheat. Men move thought all three of these paradigms depending on experience and maturity, back and forth sometimes. Age doesn’t have much to do with it, moral conviction and maturity do. I know some immature grown-ass men. For each type of man there are methods to help keeping him a “good man” and off the “strange” (a white, Italian male’s, colloquialism for another woman’s vagina). You must identify your guy before you can come up with your “treatment.” I have friends in each category and I can relate to each of them. Not because I’m a man, but because they are my friends and I don’t judge their circumstances according to my limited knowledge of what they’ve experienced…positive or negative. You need to do some soul searching when it comes to identifying the type of man you are in a relationship with. The key is not to judge them for who they are, and work to identify the ways you can keep him a “good man”. The longer you’ve been together the closer you are to the true person. NO ONE can hold a mask forever. It’s like trying to maintain one emotion for an entire day (try it). I’d go as far to say the majority of women know thier partner VERY well in the realm of fidelity.
ONE WORD, THREE SYLLABLES, COUN-SEL-ING. If your man is a hardcore cheater, I’m sure there were signs going into the deal. Maybe some signs in the first six months that he still had attachments or a “complicated” situation. The key to being with a hardcore cheater is to accept him for who he is and focus on the good in him. As long as you’re not trying to change him, and you can accept who he is, you can still be happy in the relationship, it may be challenged often, but joy can be found anywhere. Without professional counseling or a life altering event, a hardcore cheater isn’t going to change his mindset, mainly because it’s a lifestyle. It is what he knows to be normal, in some cases. Professional opinions and guidance may help you determine if sexual addiction could be at the root of his habitual infidelity. Also, I NEED to mention, counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It may mean you want to see how crazy you were or maybe currently are. If there are serious issues, like addiction, counseling may offer you answers and options you didn’t know were available. Make your life decisions with a church counselor or mental health professional (not just my ramblings). Minorities seem adverse to seeing counselors or mental health care professionals for some ignorant-ass reason. As though it’s an admission of insanity, no control and/or weakness. On the contrary, counseling helps you take control with a deeper knowledge of how you work. Together you have to find what’s at the heart of him seeking sex from others and that’s where objective professionals come in. Often, cheaters don’t see a real depth of the issue in what they do. There is a degree of sociopathic behavior involved in serious cases. They know it’s a betrayal but they’ve learned how to live with it OR they’re desensitized. They are not clueless in the least, that’s why they hide it. For some that’s part of the excitement of the whole thing…besides the actual sex of course. In these cases you are not responsible for his actions. It’s a maturity thing when it comes to the hardcore cheater (who is not a sex addict). You could be Martha Stewart with cooking and Pinky the Porn Star in the sack, working a full-time job, taking care of the kids AND cleaning…he’s STILL gonna cheat, Girl. It takes a SPECIAL woman to love a cheater. These women are constantly challenged by this kind of relationship on MANY levels and my heart goes out to them. As for advice, I can’t stress counseling enough, mainly for yourself, Ladies. I’ve noticed women in this situation have abuse (physical & verbal), low self esteem and/or feel trapped either by “saving the family” (you can’t save anybody while you’re drowning, by the way) or he provides a great living which the woman is accustomed. Integrity is priceless, and suffering emotionally in the name of something corroding your soul IS NOT WORTH IT!!! I dedicate this paragraph to ALL the women I could never tell that their man was cheating. My empathy only extends as far as the solution. When you step in shit, you don’t stand in it, unless you don’t know or don’t care. As I have told my daughter, there is no good time to break up but the sooner the better, so the healing can begin.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT GOES FAR. Women who have a faithful man OFTEN take it for granted like that shit can’t ever change. Let’s face it, the ONLY constant in the Universe IS change. Embrace it, get use to it, or life is not going to be so kind as the world changes around you..as it always has. These dudes are of noble character and quite mature OR too ugly and anti social to create the opportunity to cheat. Either way, their dipstick only goes under your hood. PRAISE THE FUCK OUTTA THEM!!! A MORE amazing story (to me) is the stories of my friends who DON’T have sex when the opportunity presents itself. That’s saint-like behavior that deserves an award, folks! Unfortunately, women tend to think “that’s what he should to do” and his efforts on the front line are overlooked. I feel like women think it’s so easy to be faithful for men. Ladies, you don’t hear these stories from your men, because they know you won’t believe him, or not completely. So, we talk about it amongst ourselves either laughing or back patting in approval. It’s easy to have sex with a woman who wants it and WAAAAAAY harder (haha) not to do so. These men deserve peace of mind. Acknowledging his efforts with praise can solidify his resolve to maintaining fidelity and add in some spontaneous sex too! Nothing goes better with the morning than some “Sunshine.” If he’s good with the amount of loving you’re giving out then give him some of his own “Me Time.” This will most likely be spent with friends, on video games, but whatever it is he’ll appreciate the space ESPECIALLY if their are kids in the mix. Don’t be so hard on him either, let him stay out a bit late with the fellas (without an earful), let him puff on a cigar in the house (or at least at the house), stop deleting his porn collection or tossing the stash out. It’s hard to recognize how good you have it when you have it good. A side note, DO NOT brag to your friends all the time about how faithful he is.
WHOOP THAT TRICK!!! Staying on track, as a man, isn’t like it is for women. For men who don’t want to cheat it is IMPERATIVE that you help. These are the men that are on the fence morally. First, understand that you’ve had practice saying no to sex. Not many men have that problem. Sex doesn’t come easy for men. We have to hunt down ANY quality piece of ass like the Cheetah in those PBS National Geographic shows. Being faithful is something that you’ll need to help your man with, like keeping house. We are not all taught to be faithful or a cheater, we learn it…OK OK OK, some are taught to cheat. Many learn it through older male, authority figures, but overall we all suck at it and will continue to blunder! Why? Because the skills being taught are not skills about teaching and learning a skill set to efficiently cheat. We learn to not be emotionally affected or connected to the consequences. Why? Because we learn it’s acceptable behavior and in our “Boys Club” it is OK, expected and encouraged, in some instances. On top of that, we have a sack of seed (with hormones) between our legs we want to sow…generously. If you are our partner, life is a 12 Step Program and you are our sponsors with the cards stacked against you. Why you ask again? Basic male instinct works against fidelity and works for the relationship’s number one physical enemy, the Clean Up Woman. She is the physical arch nemesis of ALL MEN in relationships but ESPECIALLY to men who don’t want to cheat (resentment is the nonphysical arch nemesis of ANY relationship). She preys on a man’s emotional needs not being met. She knows what a broken man needs to feel like a man. Woman of the faithful man, you MUST understand how much he loves you to resist the Clean Up Woman. The more prestige, power and influence the greater the degree of difficulty. Men who don’t want to cheat end up cheating when they “feel” their needs are not being met and that their woman does not care. Sex is the external cure for an internal problem. Make him “feel” intimacy, NOT SEX (well, not JUST sex)…INTIMACY. What’s gonna keep him out of those guts is how strong your intimate relationship is with him. In these cases men want the thrill back, some are sabotaging their way out of a troubled relationship. Either way it’s a cry for help from these men. It’s a race, really. If the Clean Up Woman is allowed to establish a connection you’ll lose him to her influence…more and more as their relationship grows.
Even the MOST faithful can easily stumble and fall prey to The Clean Up Woman. Clean Up bitches are not born, they’re created. Don’t help bring one out of retirement. You may be good friends or related to one, so be mindful because testing a faithful man and proving you wrong is her thrill. These women believe there are no good men & they’re gonna prove it. Keep your man out of harm’s way (AKA her coochie). To “Whoop That Trick” have conversation about your fidelity expectations letting him know how much you appreciate him as your partner and lover. After a session of lovemaking in a GREAT time to let him know during pillow talk. We are SUPER receptive at that time too. Sexual spontaneity works here too…Hell, for ALL men I’d comfortably say. Just like when you Ladies get flowers or a gift for no reason, there’s NOTHING that says, “I was thinking about you & your magic stick,” like some LOVE JONES kitchen sex.
UNDERSTAND WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST. I’m sure some of you were the other woman at one point, so this part is for those not as “seasoned” in dealings with men and our behavior. If a woman shows a man she is interested in sex, you’ve all be conquered the situation, we’re like putty. If you appear to be GENUINELY interested, a man is helpless to feminine wiles. The Clean Up Woman (AKA Ms. Wrong) knows your man likes to be touched. It’s on of the FIRST things “Women of Prey” do to establish interest and develop a connection. Don’t get it twisted, remember, men mainly cheat via opportunity they are given. Cut off those options unless you are BOTH considering an alternative lifestyle. The best advice I’ve heard a mother give her daughter is to be your man’s whore, lover, friend and mother. Because when you are not another woman will…gladly. I’m not trying to scare you into being more into your relationship, I’d rather you work on being prepared. With relationships its a matter of “when” there will be an issue, not “if” there will be one. Have the tools set up so when emotions run high there is a protocol to follow that will lead back to a loving flash point. Without such a plan relationships tumble and falter…I’ve been in enough to know. If my lady “wears me out” on the regular, other women are invisible on my “horniness radar”. I’m not sure what’s going on with the chemicals up there but that kind of regular good luvin’ keeps me SASSIFIED!!! Now, when things aren’t so hot, Eartha Kitt starts looking like Rihanna and I realize the world is FULL of hot, sexy-ass women (I’m an ass man) who MUST be looking at me. To sum it up, having a mature understanding of how your partner ticks and using that in a positive manner is key. Controlling someone isn’t a great long-term plan for happiness. Setting boundaries by discussing them leaves nothing up to interpretation. He can’t read you mind and “he should know” are not acceptable in discussions. Assume he has no clue (he most likely does not) and LOVINGLY get him up to speed on those expectations. Keep in mind that if you ask a question you MUST be prepared for ANY answer. I’ve seen major indiscretions forgiven and small ones ruin relationships. If you’re in it for the long haul, being prepared, communicating with the goal of resolution (and not proving yourself right) and forgiveness are key to getting through the rough patches and healing. Peace.
P.S. If there’s anything you take from this let this be the immortal words of Ms. Betty Wright:
Betty Wright Clean up Woman
A clean up woman
Is a woman who
Gets all the love we girls leave behind
The reason I know
So much about her
Is because she picked up a man of mine
Was my ruin
‘Cause I found out all I was doin’
Was makin’ it easy
For the clean up woman
To get my man’s love, oh, yeah
Just makin’ it easy
For the clean up woman
To get my baby’s love, uh-huh
I took this man’s love and put it on a shelf
And like a fool, I thought I had him all to myself
When he needed love, I was out havin’ fun
But I found out all I had done
Was made it easy
For the clean up woman
To get my man’s love, uh-huh
Yeah, that’s what I did
I made it easy
For the clean up woman
To steal my baby’s love, oh, yeah
The clean up woman
Will wipe his blues away
She’ll give him penny lovin’
24 hours a day
The clean up woman
She’ll sweep him off his feet
She’s the one to take him in
When you dump him in the street
So take a tip
You better get hip
To the clean up woman
‘Cause she’s tough
I mean she really cleans up